First Love

Illustrator:  JJ. Crittendon

I saw scattered pictures of you in your youth.

old black and white photos of you in plaid suites.. posing with presidents.

and looking important at a civil rights movement.... I think that was you... that's what I tell myself.

stared into your eyes while gazing at your photo

trying and hoping to figure out what you were thinking back then.

tried to reenact your past life in my head. 

within your eyes I saw a glimpse of myself...

wanting to define myself. hoping to figure myself.

Is that my fire within?

I experienced your tangible warmth on occasions..... I'm longing for more of you.

wanting to know more about your past lives. your experience. wishing I asked more questions.

Why did you go dormant? why did you disappear from me? 

Possibly because you didn't understand my emotions

or have the "know how" to show love unconditionally and consistently.

 you knew what was suppose to be done.. Or only reflected what was shown to you

You didn't know how to follow through.

That's what I tell myself ,

 helps me with closure..... helps me to cope.

He felt love and he loved many.
He told me he loved me all the time

but showed love only on a few occasions. The tangible was in small measure.

showed me his unknowing through let downs and broken promises.

Who were you really?

what was missing from you. your past defined your future with me

That's what I tell myself. 

 I cherished every glimpse and sighting of you.

you meant the world to me as a little girl. 

I was hanging and clinching on tight to every broken promise

I defended you.  The soft spot in my heart for you....feeling sorry for you.

You just didn't know how.. that's what I tell myself.

You tried to love me the best you knew how... I understand.

whatever your past life served you... taught you how to love your future.

and for that reason I forgive you....

I remember my scattered experience of you. and I fell in love with men just like you

who disappear after they realize they loved me.  or gave me only one side of them.

That's what I tell myself.

I don't fault you for disappearing.... I  know you loved me... but didn't have the "know how".

That's what I tell myself.

I forgive you, and I miss your calls,

especially when you serenaded me over the phone.

I loved those moments, I miss you.

I hug and hold you tight for long periods of time....in my dreams.  I know you feel me

and look over me wishing it could have been different.... That's what I tell myself.

fantasies of your love designates with my soul... Jives with my present being. we dance together.

You are still a part of me... the part that I knew of you. I know that part.. still till this day

longing for more knowledge of your being.

You are still my first love.  My memory of you is genuine and true

Your serenade still rings 

we are soul mates in my soul.

That's what I tell myself.

I love you still. forever true.
** J. Choice